Daily Prompt: If You Leave Share this:TwitterFacebookLike this:Like Loading... Related Published by pavanneh Retired Navy Cardiovascular Technician/Respiratory Therapist. Wife, mother, grandmother. View all posts by pavanneh
3 thoughts on “Daily Prompt: If You Leave”
The last thing I contemplated on leaving was my life of self imposed solitude. For quite awhile I have not wanted to go out or get involved in anything. I was in the Navy for 20 years. During that time I went through several changes. Changes that saw improvements in self identity, integrity and determination. I worked hard and created a “place” for myself where I excelled. It was so difficult the last two years of my “career” to have everything that I had identified myself with be taken away. It was a natural progression, it was time for me to leave and others to take my place. It was still hard though. What would I do, how would I make it? The world outside was cold and unforgiving. I had found a place where I belonged and where my contributions mattered. I was part of a team and I felt valued. But, that was to change soon enough.
Shortly before leaving the military I had a breakdown of sorts. Apparently not an uncommon occurrence for people who have devoted themselves to their jobs and not looked beyond that life. Something inside me changed though. I was so unsure, so aware of the fragile pieces that I had put together coming unglued. I had come from a life that was hard, abusive, unsure, lacking in discipline. I had found what I needed in the military; Routine, discipline, an ingrained sense of honor and duty which I understood and believed in. I was so afraid and unsure of myself. I realized I was still broken. After all that time I was still not “together”.
When I entered the civilian workforce I had a difficult time. I felt broken and that the hard charging, dedicated person that I had been was gone. It has been difficult to hold a job since that last “break” as I call it. I have had understanding people and they have tried to help me, but I just can’t seem to find it in me anymore. Or I didn’t. But, that person is still in there. Reminding me that I have a lot to give and a lot to live for. I can still make a difference for people but I have to get out of the house and do it. I have to create opportunities for myself to show what I can do.
A big part of my life has ended and a new life is beginning.