An early spring walk
An early spring walk
Ugghh!! I bite my nails. It is the worst habit. I try to break it and I just keep doing it, especially if I am nervous. And I play with my hair if I am nervous. That is hard to do now that I have it cut short, but I still find myself twirling my hair or trying to. I consider them bad habits because they are so obvious and it looks unprofessional when you do them. Plus it does not add to your credibility of being a cool cucumber under pressure if your nails are bitten all to heck and your hair is a mess from the knots in it.
These are nervous habits and as I work to become more secure I am sure they will diminish, but until then bitter tasting stuff and nail polish helps with the nail biting and maybe I just need to shave my head.
“The Doctor has come into your life and has given you a gift. You have been offered a do over. You are allowed to redo one moment of your life.
What moment would you do over? Why?”
I have thought long and hard about this because in reality, though there have been really bad decisions I have made in my life, there is little that I would do over. I have my husband, my children and my grandchildren in my life. Even the most horrible things that have happened to me and finding the strength to overcome them has made me who I am. And I am finally getting to the point where I may actually like who this person is now and how much stronger I hope to become.
The only thing that I can think of that I would change is a letter that I wrote and sent to my first ex-husband. He was my first real boyfriend, the first person to love me for who I was. Problems and all. I met him my senior year of high school. We worked at Burger Chef together. He was the nicest, sweetest person. He could make me laugh and smile. I loved his laugh and his smile. I loved the walks we would take on summer nights and the conversations we would have. He listened to my poetry and I listened to his. In all of my pain and trying to regain my sense of self I had forgotten about all of that. I had forgotten about the man who loved me and the man I had fallen in love with. Not sending this letter would not change anything except for the hurt I caused him. The person who loved me and wanted to stay with me no matter what until I tore him apart and threw him away because I hated and despised myself so much that I could not fathom, could not believe that anyone could love me as much as he said he loved me. I just couldn’t believe it.
I did terrible things during our marriage. Terrible and unforgivable as far as I was concerned. My problems with sexual addiction and depression were at their all time worst during that time. Memories and flash backs to the abuse, the rapes, molestations and incessant criticisms of my mother, father, grandmother, stepmother were replaying constantly in my head. “You are lucky he wants you.” “You have to marry him, you have to stay with him because no one will ever love you or want you.” “I have never been proud of you, you have done nothing to be proud of.” “You deserved everything that happened to you, you are a tramp.” All of this and more constantly playing in my head. I began to see his not sticking up for me against my family as a betrayal and proof that he agreed with everything they said.
How could he not agree with them with everything that was going on? That I was doing? How could anyone want me after all of that? I pushed and pushed until I pushed him right out the door. I was so sure I was destroying him, killing him by not making him leave. Being married to me would destroy him. I am not saying he was perfect. There were things that happened on his part that made the situation worse and reasons that I could not reconcile with him at a later point, but they were healthier reasons then why I initially left. But, the letter I wrote telling him that I never loved him; that he was a great guy and I thanked him for basically giving me the time of day and for marrying me in spite of everything, that letter was so wrong.
As I have gotten better and allowed myself to remember some parts of my past at that time I came to realize how much he had loved me. And that I had loved him. I realized that no matter what I thought I was doing and that I thought the letter might actually help him deal with his emotions it was the most selfish and hurtful thing I have ever done to someone. I had deluded myself into believing that I hadn’t loved him because it made it easier to deal with what I had done. How can you really love someone and do the things you did? I now know that you can love someone like that and because of mental illness and pain do horrible things. And because you love them it makes everything worse. To the point that you have to make yourself believe that you are worthless, unlovable and unable to love.
I was unable to love. I was so terrified of allowing someone inside of my heart fully that I could never allow it. Not for many years. Not until my third husband and with that marriage I learned that I could really love someone, have them tear my heart out and stomp all over it…Karma is a bitch you know….and I could survive. I learned that I can allow myself to love someone completely and it wouldn’t kill me; the husband I have now.
From what my daughter has said, her father had difficulty letting go of me emotionally and of course the current wife didn’t take too kindly to that. She was abusive to my daughter for years because of it. Supposedly things are much better between her father, her stepmother and her. I hope so. Though I don’t know if I can forgive either of them for what they did to her. What would I say to him now? What would I write in a letter?
I want you to know how sorry I am. How much I want your forgiveness for what I did to you back then. For the terrible letter that I wrote to you saying that I never loved you. How could I have done that to you? You were the first man to ever treat me kindly and with respect. You loved me with all your heart. You once told me that the first time you thought you could love me was our first date and it was raining hard. Your car stalled because of a huge puddle and I had to get out and help you push it out of the road, wearing white pants no less. What girl does that? We laughed about it. As I have healed and allowed myself to think about the past and that horrible period of my life I have allowed myself to remember. Really remember emotions and feelings. I have talked with my husband about writing this letter and he knows that this letter is about healing and forgiveness, not about disrupting your life or wanting you back.
There are different kinds of love. And I have a love for you as someone who gave of himself. Trusted and loved someone enough that you were willing to marry them and be with them no matter what. You were my friend first and that is the love I remember best. Summer walks, fireflies in fields of grass and trees. Poetry under the stars. Your playing guitar. You always did play well. Introducing me to Willie Nelson’s Stardust. You were and are a great person. You deserved then and deserve now the best. I just want you to know this; I did love you.
Love and blessings,
Two and half daisies
This post has some great information and a link to Parentous.com with great information as well. A post as parents that we need to read.
All these years we have espied and realised the significance of IQ and EQ in our kid’s developmental stage, but now is the time that we give heed to yet another relevant but underrated facet of behavioural science and i would like to term it as MQ. Quite pertinently, MQ which stands for Moral Quotient is not only the corrective measure towards evolving our child to a better human being but also will lead us to a safer and secure world to live.
On this premise, Let’s ask a basic question to ourselves today:
What we want our kids to be?
Do we want our kids to be so-called successful but with tainted morals?
To engage into this matter effectively, you can visit my article titled What we want our kids to be? in Parentous.com at http://www.parentous.com/2014/06/28/want-kids-important-values-teach-child-parents/
Parentous.com is an acclaimed blog on parenting and an initiative by leading Indian…
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I have been nominated for the “Very Inspiring Blogger Award” by Nance. http://themomentsmatterblog.wordpress.com/2014/06/20/the-very-inspiring-blogger-award-for-me
I have been so fortunate to meet so many wonderful people while I have been blogging. It has been a great experience. Meeting new people, hearing their stories, learning about their different lives and cultures. Nance is one of the wonderful bloggers that I have had the privilege of reading her posts. I write my blog from my heart. I want to be able to tell my story and my experiences so that I can be of help to others and hopefully show that you can recover from tragedy and hardship. I want people to know they can make a difference in other people’s lives for the better. They make a difference in this world for the better because they can. You never know when the simplest of acts of kindness and generosity can lead to the biggest changes in a person’s life and make this world a better place. I am fortunate to be a member of a great group of bloggers that participate in “Covey View”. There are great stories and great writers in this group and I am glad to know them.
Thank you again Nance for nominating me. It is a great honor.
Here are the guidelines:
Seven Facts About Me:
1. I have actually started outlining the 5 stories that I have wanted to write forever. I even have a page one with a paragraph on one of them.
2. I am still in school working on my Gradate Certificate in Project Management and Six Sigma Black belt.
3. I would love to get involved in community theater. I love the theater and drama club in high school was one of my favorite things to do.
4. I believe in Ghosts, the Afterlife in general and UFO’s. I have had too many experiences with each of these areas not to.
5. I want to start a new movement in America called “Equalism”. It is similar to the Humanist Movement. 😀
6. I love the outdoors. Especially if I can find a nice quiet place in the woods next to a lake and just sit and contemplate. I do hate mosquitoes though, so have plenty of bug spray.
7. I believe that God intervened in my life at one point, my turning point, and that I am here for a purpose. I believe it is to help others and to help them aspire to better and bigger things. And it is my sincere hope that I continue to be an inspiration for people.
There are so many blogs that I follow and people that I have met since starting. There are many that don’t want anymore awards and I need to be sure to track those. But here is a list of some of my most inspiring writers:
The Happy Quitter: http://wordpress.com/read/blog/id/67908459/ (The trials and tribulations of quitting smoking)
Regular Indian Girl: http://wordpress.com/read/blog/id/68185336/ (Writing about very important issues for women in India)
Rajivchopra: http://wordpress.com/read/blog/id/51630125/ (Beautiful Photographs)
My Hong Kong Husband: http://wordpress.com/read/blog/id/53102870/ (Very interesting story of her family life)
Awanamiss: http://wordpress.com/read/blog/id/59359140/ (Really good story teller)
Bob and Emily: http://wordpress.com/read/blog/id/65020017/ (She has a wonderful sense of humor)
PriyanClicks: http://wordpress.com/read/blog/id/21999509/ (Another great photographer)
Millie Anne Lowe: http://wordpress.com/read/blog/id/59727108/ (Writing a very interesting Serial in her blog right now)
O at the Edges: http://wordpress.com/read/blog/id/59487473/ (A great place to read poetry and get tips)
Jeanne de Montbaston: http://wordpress.com/read/blog/id/41367601/ (Interesting articles on history and women)
Written on pavements: http://wordpress.com/read/blog/id/68224971/ (Beautiful words and pictures)
Hugh’s Views and News: http://wordpress.com/read/blog/id/64176467/ (Good stories)
Dandelion Fuzz: http://wordpress.com/read/blog/id/58555552/ (Good writing)
Eye Will Not Cry: http://wordpress.com/read/blog/id/61918241/ (Like the music videos)
All our Lemmony Things: http://wordpress.com/read/blog/id/56462557/ (interesting articles)
Thank you again to all of the people that read my blog and have expressed their faith in my and their hope that I keep blogging. Even when I feel that I can’t I try to remember the purpose of my blog is to teach/inspire people that they “Can!”
Love and blessings to all.