I can relate to everything you have said. You have spoken of faith and questioning faith. You have spoken of the bible that we all use to find answers and for guidance being used as a tool for good and as a tool for evil. For there are those in the world that take the bible and twist the words and the intent to meet their own ends and to ensure they are always “right.” I have had the same questions myself.
If every bible in the world burned today I would still have my faith. I was saved by the spirit without it. I knew of God and Jesus and I had heard his message but never took it into my heart fully. And it wasn’t being hit over the head with the bible. My experience was life changing and all encompassing. Though it took years for me to get to the point I am at. Bloody knees and elbows from crawling back up the hill even though I slid back time and time again. I knew I could never give up. Doubts would creep in and anger. And sometimes downright hatred.
And yet even with the doubts I could not and cannot deny him. I have felt the holy spirit and it saved my life. And yet there are times I question and I still seek and I put my foot on the uneven and crooked path that I hope will lead me to the answers I seek. And that is what is important. The journey. God does not expect us not to question. Without questioning and exploring we do not learn. We do not grow spiritually. He is there even in the darkest hour. That small spark of light that seems almost so invisible as to not be seen. And yet he is there and when you reach for the light it will grow.
I will work through my doubts and with faith I will work through the questions that I have. Not all will be answered in my lifetime and that is okay. I will question and search and continue my journey. I still have growing to do.