Walking Paths

I wish I still walked these paths. It has been two years since I have walked them. It was something I truly enjoyed. I just don’t trust my legs to hold me up anymore on the longer, less traveled spots. My dear Angus has passed away last month and I miss him. I could take Alistair with me though. Maybe he wouldn’t run away whenever I fall down. Angus would leave me in the dust and took the opportunity of me losing my grip on his leash to chase squirrels. I still loved him anyway. It was so hard to see him get old and frail. I can almost smell the autumn forest smell. I have to go back. I can feel the walking paths calling to me. Telling me it is time to try to come back. Some of my best inpsiration for writing and stories came when I was walking these trails. And I miss taking my pictures. Even though the paths didn’t change, the scenery always did in some small way. New leaves, new birds, new people. Yes, I think it is time to start walking again.

Advertisements

What’s the biggest change you ever took

img_20170204_165129131

I made the move to join the military. I joined the Navy on 22nd November 1985. I was so lost. I had asked God, who I know had saved my life from a very bad decision, what he had planned for me. He wanted me here, so why was I here. I was at a laundromat doing laundry when an army recruiter started talking to me. She asked me, “What are your plans for your life? What is it that you think you are here to do?” It was like God answering me. Giving me the chance to answer my own questions. I took my ASVAB and went to the recruiters office and waited to hear what job I was going to do. Jeep mechanic. That is what they offered though I was one of their top scorers on the exam. Women were not being allowed in the military as much as they had met their quotas so I was lucky to be offered this. I told them that is not what I was meant to do. I wanted to be a medic. They were going to see what they could do, but were not hopeful. The Navy recuriter heard what was going on as his office was next to hers and he essentially stole me from her and put me in the Navy. I told her I was grateful to her, but the army at that time would not let you change your MOS or job rating until the next enlistment. The Navy was more flexible and I could change ratings with approval at most any time as long as there were openings in the field I wanted. There were no Hospital Corpsman billets open but I could go in as a Seaman and Cross Train for Hospital Corpsman.

I arrived at boot camp and did very well. If I hadn’t gone in as an E3 they would have given me the advancement on graduation from boot camp. I was however, changed to an Airman Apprentice. This was still a good opportunity and it ended up that I became my squadron corpsman and had an excellent Career Counselor and she helped me to get cross trained for Squadron Corpsman. I received my first two award letters from my work with the squadron. Over my twenty years in the Navy, I learned more than I ever thought. I earned my Cardiopulmonary Credential, my Respiratory Therapy License, my Associates Degrees through my Master’s Degree. There was so much bad with it as well, but I have chosen to look at those events as what needs to happen for growth. You cannot grow without difficulty. You cannot grow sometimes without overcoming obstacles and feeling the pain of failure and then using that failure to push you forward to succeed. The biggest change I ever made was making the choice to live.

Does it get overwhelming?

This was a post I started 4 years ago. A good example of how things change and yet stay the same. Except it seems 4 years ago I was happier and in a better place. Especially with writing. But, the steps I take seem to take me one half step forward and three steps back these days. But, any forward movement is just that, a movement forward. Or at least not going backward. A garden that I had worked on so hard and then had to leave only a couple of months later. This is one of my favorite plants. Gone now, but I have started a new garden. Here are my thoughts from 4 years ago.

20151017_192200

Does it sometimes seem like the steps you want to take to improve yourself just seem overwhelming? I have so many things I want to accomplish. I know I need to make a schedule and that there is a time during the day to do the things I want. And that maybe I need to scale back on some of the things I want to do. I would rather go slowly than at full speed and burn out before I get anything done.

Light in the Dark

Light in the dark.

This is still one of my most favorite photographs I have ever taken. It represents what I have felt so often. Especially about my spiritual journey. I was walking through the woods and my mood was very somber and I was in deep reflection about so many things going on in my life. It was a cloudy day and the woods were dark, but there were streams of light that shown through the leaves when the sun came out and it shone on this one branch of honeysuckle growing over the fallen tree. Like a soft caress over the bark. It was inspirational for me. Life continues and light breaks through the darkness, we just have to look sometimes to see it and what it is illuminating. Blessings.

wpid-wp-1433906601516.jpeg

Share Your World (SYW)

I have really gotten to enjoy Cee’s challenges and have participated, but not as much as I have wanted. So, I thought I would give this one a try.

Does your first or middle name have any significance (or were you named after another family member)?

My first name is based on a few things. My mother and especially my father loved classical music. I think it is my favorite kind next to Appalachian/Celtic. A pavan was a courtly dance in the 16th and 17th century. Ravel wrote a piece of music that he envisioned a Princess in those courts would dance to. It was called Pavane pour une infante defunte. It was a favorite of my father’s. There are many versions, contemporary and classical. There are a couple of vocal versions of the song “Never say goodbye” and “Elysium” are based on the melody. My mother was an anthropologist/sociologist who specialized in Hindu culture. The name is also “Breeze” in Hindu. My name is spelled Pavanne because the Anne is in homage to my mother’s cousin named Mary Anne and my middle name Marie is for my mother’s best friend Marie. It was not a name that you appreciated when you were younger, but I have grown to appreciate it and the meanings behind it.

https://video.search.yahoo.com/yhs/search?fr=yhs-iba-1&hsimp=yhs-1&hspart=iba&p=Pavane+pour+une+infante+d%C3%A9funte#id=48&vid=f31bc0008ef0aa4368640b7c04eacd52&action=view

Music or silence while working?

I like to have music in the background. Quiet and soothing when I want to be really creative or studying and a bit more energetic if I am doing research for articles.

If you had a special place for your three most special possessions (not including photos, electronics, people or animals), what would they be?

My wedding ring stays on my finger at all times. I have pictures drawn by my brother’s friend that are on my wall over my desk in the den. They are done with watercolor markers and ink. I love them, they were wonderful gifts. I have two mantels from a house built in the 1700’s that my father was trying to save before he passed away. I couldn’t afford to fix it after he passed, but I saved the mantels and have them in my home. One is in my den and one is in the foyer hall. The one in my den is not pretty but is roughly hand made and most likely by a freed slave that lived in the house for quite a few years.

The Never List: What are things you know you never will do?

I don’t know what I will never do. I don’t think I will ever do patient care again as I am physically unable to do so. At least not in the way I did as a nurse or respiratory therapist. I don’t like to think of things I can’t do, but what I can do.

Optional Bonus question:  What are you grateful for from last week, and what are you looking forward to in the week coming up? 

I am grateful that I have a home to live in with a roof that doesn’t leak and heat. It needs a lot of work, but it home. I am looking forward to allowing myself to stop grieving over my past life and the things I can’t do anymore and move on to things that I can do.

I was going to delete my blog Because I can….

I have not been writing enough for myself lately. No posts, just answering comments, giving my thoughts to what other people are saying. It allows me a voice, but it isn’t the same as writing for myself and telling my own stories. I have been very down on myself as of late. I have not been positive and I have not been doing what I need to do in order to become more positive. My blog is “Because I can” for a reason. A reason that I was allowing myself to forget. I was forgetting that I can. 

I read this story tonight and it has inspired me to continue with trying to write, to blog and learn. 

http://aishakhan0208.wordpress.com/2014/06/14/i-am-a-woman-who-survived

I am going to write a mission statement of sorts to myself. it is a reaffirmation and statement of what I believe. It is what I will continue to live by. No matter what anyone says.

What happened in my life was terrible. There are scars, there is still pain. But, I am not going to list everything that happened to me. I will not continually revisit it without purpose. When I do talk about it, I will be using my experiences to help others to find their strength. To find options and to find a way to get out of the darkness. I want to be able to show others going through similar experiences that they can come out the other side and not just survive, but be happy and survive. What has having those awful things happen to me done for me? It has taught me compassion for another. It has taught me to be non-judgmental. I will not give in to fear. I can be strong and become stronger. 

I will not give in to anger and fear. I have been allowing fear and anger of what is happening in the world, and what some people have said to me to cloud my judgement and my faith. When you  become angry and you give in to fear, it can lead to irrational thought. When you become irrational you cannot see the path. You cannot hear the truth. It blinds you to your faith. Faith leads you from fear and helps you to find the path and allows you to see more than what you think possible. 

I will be compassionate. I would prefer to err on the side of compassion and not have to worry about answering to God as to why I would turn my back on my brothers and sisters. 

I believe in the right of all people to love whom they choose. As long as they are an adult of legal age and consensual.

I believe in allowing the existence of all faiths as long as they do not interfere with the practice of another’s faith or harm another person. I have to admit that I am conflicted with this one as I do not believe that Sharia law is a humane practice and that the violence perpetrated against women in the name of honor (which is not honorable at all) gives me some issues. 

I happen to believe in the premise of the Constitution of the United States and it’s original intention. We have a great country. Even with all our problems. We the people of this country hold so much power in our hands. We can control our own destinies if we would just think, not be so reactionary and really value the freedoms that we have. We can speak, we can write, we can protest-peacefully. There are so many countries where that is not possible. 

I really believe we need a ” Celebrate Humanity Month”. This month will celebrate the diverse nature of humanity. We should have block parties and discussions and make opportunities to mend fences with our neighbors. There needs to be open discussions on race and how to improve relations between all the races that live in this country. Improved education in the schools that really stress the accomplishments of all races in the development of inventions and in the creation of this country. Our country was founded on the blood of the Native Americans, white slavery, black slavery, Asian slavery. There is no getting around that. What we can do is move past it and realize that while it matters how we got here, it matters even more where we are going. And where we end up is up to all of us. 

I believe in the right to bear arms. While it has been said that letting everyone have a gun is tantamount to creating an old west scenario, that is just not the truth. Of course there needs to be education, regulation and punishment for the breaking of the rules. Guns don’t kill people, people kill people. “If they didn’t have a gun, they wouldn’t have killed someone” is an argument I have heard before. People killed each other before there were guns, they will continue to do so with or without them. I prefer to be able to defend myself if someone threatens me or my family. 

I realize as I am typing this, there is so much I believe, so much I want to talk about in my life. Too much to write about now.

I will speak my mind, write my stories and poems, post my photographs. Yes, I am going to do that.